there's a lot of downtime
in the job i have
and in this blank
i fill in musings of the night
why did i say that?
why didn't i speak?
what did he mean?
where did it go wrong?
i stand
scanning the shelves
for something to escape
this interrogation
but the stories turn
their spines aside
no escape in imagination
today
just the wind pressing
against each windowpane
looking for a weakness
to wiggle within
(blank)
sometimes you have to choose
who to listen to
sometimes the one you gave
all your trust to
tries to convince you to
betray yourself
just to flex their powers
sometimes the one who was just
a heartbeat away
is now just waiting
to tear you apart
the genius knows nothing
but his books and his whispers
the prophet follows no one
but the blind
the only sound from the hunter
is the echo of the prey
his scream stays in your ears
far longer than any call
with no warning at all
he turns
and burns what's left of your soul
(know)
i walked up and down
stone steps
the sound of my feet echoed
in halls where the forefathers faltered
i lingered behind
smelling the antique odor of faded paint
varnished wood
and leather bound books
their thoughts waving on each page
i was intimidated by my surroundings
thinking that if i made one false step
one suspicious sound
i would be out of there
quick as a wink
and put in solitary confinement
living out my years thinking
about the wrong i'd done
to my country
just for a sneeze
and yet
for every fear i felt
my heart gave gratitude
for even being there
a half mexican twice removed
sharing in the awe of history
on every wall
on every ceiling
at every step
with every memory
that chose to be
(free)
can't disconnect
from the feeling
that we haven't truly met
side views underline
my hypothesis
we talk, and fill
trying to keep what's still there
even if all we see
is the fantasy of what's
for us
each convincing with words
what we can't say
and movement to movement's
a mile away
empty islands of remorse
waved over with dark waters
of insanity
why does it have to be this way?
(stay)
it's only when
you are truly alone
that you realize
your own worth
not what he thinks
not what she thinks
not what they believe
not what they know
but what you know
and feel inside
some say
never apologize
for your own beliefs
some say
stride ahead
on your own path
but i never wrote anything
but what he thought
and i never walked anywhere
under my own power
and ever footfall was
softened
by someone else
the outlook's unclear
when you can't see
with your own eyes
depending on the call
of others
staying out in the rain
with no sense but nonsense
blank to the stars again
(can't win)
i didn't know
what we could not see
and shouldn't say
what i can't remember
but i have this feeling
of you as being good
innocent, if you would
white paper without writing
or any telltale smudges
offering yourself up to me
in amazement
and even though you're cloudy
out of focus under my hand
i still can feel warmth
and the promise of something good
if only things would
swing our way
sometimes the stars seem
so close you can touch them
ever burning out of sight
(alive)
we don't kiss
but i miss your kisses
we don't hug
but i miss your warmth
we don't seem to see
eye to eye
we don't seem to give
any reason why
we're always saying
hello goodbye
we aren't like lovers
it's true
but i still miss the heart of you
(true)
