the path to
independence is saying
no
after no
after no
until there's nothing left
but your own way
the path to
your own sanity is trying
to find what sun
you can
in all the darkness
that surrounds
and try your best
to begin to shine
in what's left of the sun
inside yourself
or so they say
(light)
there was a time
when i didn't know
what i was coming home to
i'd peek around the corner
listening for any
disagreeable word
any crash of dishes
anything at all
then i'd look in my room
to see if anything was
out of place
or anything new
was added
or if there was
anything at all
there was a time
when i came home
and the floors were bare
and my mother's mind
was full of every dark secret
that my diary once contained
raging again and again
she tried to reset my thinking
with anything she had in hand
anything at all
until there was nothing
in the air but unsettled dust
misplaced trust
and the beating of my heart
in my ears
(fears)
you don't remember me
anymore
your coworkers with
the laughing eyes
come to call
dazzling your ears
with a thousand syllables
of hello
and they're there
and i'm over here
perpetual cloud over
my shoulder
sun in my eyes
looking off in the
faraway distance
signaling a sign of
desperation
but you don't hear me
through the waves of
office sirens
who bend at your will
for the fair chance
to touch your air
of resistance
(dance)
i respect you
but some decisions
must be done
decidedly
and some procedures
must be completed
expedientially
and even though
i respect
who i thought you were
and even though
i promised
what i thought i could give
sometimes the road
travels differently
away from the destination
of two
away from what was me
and you
(done)
a half of you
sings
to a half of me
a life
that was new
is whole again
and if
i lost
the feeling of your song
i wouldn't last long
i wouldn't last long
i wouldn't last long
but what's left
would be a beautiful echo
of you
(true)
when life is too far
then feelings get close
when it's all not fair
then there's nothing to know
you can stare me down
in an instant
change the temperature
in a moment
live forever and take
my breath
make a smile and
step on my neck
keep it going
as if no one else can see
what misery you've given me
over and over and over and over again
can't win
(sin)
totally behind
on everything
trying to be all
to everyone
waiting for the pause
that's not going to come
perhaps never again
people calling
from left and right
people expecting
with all their might
waiting for the breath
that never exhales
slowly being buried
in all this email
nothing more to see
just the misery of me
(close)
when i was trying
to be mindful with your time
and saying goodbye
yet again
i felt your voice linger
when we hang out
at the doorway we
lean on the frame
and stare eye to eye
being exclusive
but when we talk
on the airways we
lean on the phone
and listen ear to ear
getting as close as
we can be
through the technology
i never know
when you want to stay
or go
all i know
is that it's forever too soon
will the moon break
when we merge to-gether
again
who knows?
linger closer, maybe we'll see
(be)
within the heart
of what everyone saw
was the child
she could have been
if only they let her be
who she wanted to be
(hid)
you give me silent vibes
and i don't know what
to say
you stare at me
with your piercing eyes
compelling me
to ask you
what you want
but you don't speak
with your words
you sigh
you cower
you shadow
you stomp
you fling your hair
away from me
but you don't say
a word
i know
i know
i know
but i don't know
(mute)
you teach me
with each
misunderstanding
how to breathe
how to listen
how to be
you tell me
with each
hellish word
how to let go
how to conform
how to be
you reach me
with each
conversation
how to wait
how to remember
how to be
tamped down
held down
calmed down
all in the same day
but never in
the same way
leaving me
to reconstruct myself
forever learning
how to be
(fade)
the thing to know
is that we don't know
when our last day is
sometimes we're not meant
to prepare for the unknown
with a script in hand
and a great last sentence
sometimes instead of
growing dark
slowly
we become engulfed
all of a sudden
we're turned on our back
colors turn to grey
we can't think of
what to say
at that point
we can't think of
what to do
all we can do
is try
try to breathe in the life
that's trying so hard
to escape from us
willing ourselves awake
for one more second
of breath
for her
for him
for ourselves
for whatever it was
that kept our heart beating
for all those countless years
when all we had the luxury
to do
was dream
(stay)
i tipped my hat
when you told me to
that wasn't enough
i stop straightening
your pillows
when you asked me to
that wasn't enough
i stopped belching
in your ear
stopped calling you "dear"
stopped smearing
my lips
along your neck
that wasn't enough
i still see the dark cloud
hanging over your head
the blankets are drawn
on your side of the bed
won't you tell me please
what is it that i said
and how can i be more?
storms come quickly
to those with unmade beds
(dread)
some day
when the world stops
making sense
and the tensions
are gone
i'll erase
whatever i think
will happen
whatever i want
to happen
whatever i wish
to happen
and just let
the words flow
from the others
no longer will
i bother
in this way
i will help all
please some
and forget
the mess that's
within me
for at least
a little while
(miles)
you rarely
let me finish sentences
when you're full
of coffee
you often
keep me from sleeping
when you're full
of hope
but when the darkness
creeps in
the silence
is deafening
and i long for the times
you babble on
about everything
and nothing at all
(open)
sometimes the things
that weigh heaviest on
your shoulders
are the things
that happened long ago
the bright spark
that was your mother
as she sketched the world
waiting for your arrival
the dark mass
that grew impatient
and drew attention from
the blessing
spurned by creativity
the short life that
gave you breath
creating all the way
to the end
what could you do
that was so magnificent
what could you say
that was so memorable
what could you be
except a vapor of what was
before you were even born
you were promised
to greatness
how could you be
anything more
than what you were
a short ember that
snuffed out in the darkness
way before your time
(hope)
when you learn
not to ask
what you shouldn't
have known
when you learn
not to speak
out of turn
when you learn
not to be
the weird one
in the sane
that's when
you can begin
to understand
that's when
you can learn
how to be
(see)
water can be rain
that falls from the sky
untroubled and true
water can be tears
that fall from my eyes
over-wrought and rude
water can calm me
with gentle waves
free and blue
water can kill me
with pounding graves
coarse and new
water surrounds me
inside and out
keeping me alive
one day it will cover me
from ground to sky
with no reason why
except to see me die
(bye)
1)
i remember when
flying high held horror dreams
now i long for air
2)
to get where you want
you have to let go of self
soar within the clouds
3)
blue tracing the sky
holding on as spirit falls
dancing with the stars
hugging close to
the dimming light
holding fast to
the vanishing warmth
what did we do
to deserve such cold?
what can we do
to find the fire again?
over and under covers
silent in the dark
wondering if the sun
will rise again
(dim)
you don't have
to wait much more
in this bitter cold
soon enough you'll
be old enough to
make your own decisions
regroup unto yourself
and learn where to be
don't see eye to eye?
don't fret
the vision was getting
too blurry anyway
(go)
1)
enigmatic girl
who is it you're looking for?
are your eyes for me
2)
petals protect me
from the cold that you became
when you forgot hope
3)
decadent delight
worrisome but home to none
still under the stars
i carry my heart
on the outside
such a bumpy ride
for an important organ
i can't hide the feelings
from the inside
only because you
bring them to the surface
it's a talent you have
that you probably didn't want
to taunt without feeling it
and hurt without meaning to
incomplete words don't
make for a good rhyme
and the cold weather brittles
any kind words that are said
afraid of the eggshells that
must be walked on?
think about how it feels
for the eggs
scrambled, as usual
(breakky)
sometimes you have to stay
where you are valued
and walk away from
the unknown
even if it looks like
the better place
even if every face smiles
at your entrance
even if there are many stories
to inspire you along the way
the road there could be
hilly
the trouble there could be
unspoken
the friends you see from afar
can be acquaintances inside
the filter falls
the closer you get
to where you desire
making troubles very clear
steer away from
what you think
and stay where the feeling's real
at least for to-day
(soon)
too many untitled
drafts
too many incomplete
thoughts
too many "what i wish
i could say"
too many "you don't know
my heart"
too little words
that could fix the pain
too little too late
can drive you insane
in the silence of the night
(dark)
there was a time
when i had better words
smoother thoughts
and an unconscious energy
to be able to coax secrets
from a stone
but now
when everything counts so much
i can't seem to grab
the key to what's really you
i thought i had hope
when you drew back the shadows
and showed me your soul
but you darted away
so quickly so quickly
dragging back insights
leaving sleepless nights
keeping my feelings at bay
you say you have the key
for me
do i dare trust you
enough to reach out a bare hand
into infinity?
oh, if only i were a tree
that you could live within
i promise you can fly away
whenever you wish
just don't forget me
as home
(roam)
tried to text him
the other day
he said the shower
was beating him down
and he couldn't read me
tried to call him
the other eve
he said the world
was taking him over
and he couldn't hear me
one day
the universe will be
all in line
and i'll be able
to reach across
the miles
and really get
the chance to say
what i want to say
but by then
i'll have forgotten
what i was thinking
and all he'll get
is a silly meme
a couple of smiley faces
and a link to a forgotten song
because that's how
we talk now
pictures and song
hieroglyphics and long pauses
over and over again
(brrrrriiiiinnnng)
you said
you thought you could care
forever
if only i would change
you promised
that you would always be around
town
if i never went anywhere
and i changed my skin
and i laid down roots
and i looked for you
every day
outside my door
but you were never there
maybe you over promised
what you could have been
maybe you overestimated
how much you could give
maybe you're just over
what spell you were under
viking's done plundering
now he's on the run
far from the shadows
of my trees
(leave)
i'm afraid
it won't be free and easy
anymore
i'll end up
measuring my words
twice
like they're some ingredient
in a long forgotten recipe
and you know how i cook
i'm sad that
i can't relax like i did
in before times
when giggles punctuated
wheezy breaths and
whispers conquered
over loud yelling
and we shared storms
marveling under lighting-flecked skies
half-smiling in remembrance
over twisted dialogues
sent across the miles
fearlessly
without a care in the world
because we knew
what we meant
once
(did)
when you were young
you were well cared for
much longed for
and the sun rose and set
on what you believed in
when i was young
i was scarcely heard of
little thought of
and the moon waxed and waned
on what i imagined could be
fin to frock
sand to swimming
harsh to softness
lost to winning
there's nothing that makes sense
for what we have
but here we are
still swimming against the tide
waiting for no man
to pass us by
with hardly a clue
of what to do
when the light shines again
(when)
weary
of what she is
wary
of what she promises
wishing
i never met her
what
do i even miss from her
there's controlling
behind the hugs
dementia
behind the words
red flags
round every corner
can i be tired
of what i thought was love?
or was it even love at all?
(call)
there's a lot of downtime
in the job i have
and in this blank
i fill in musings of the night
why did i say that?
why didn't i speak?
what did he mean?
where did it go wrong?
i stand
scanning the shelves
for something to escape
this interrogation
but the stories turn
their spines aside
no escape in imagination
today
just the wind pressing
against each windowpane
looking for a weakness
to wiggle within
(blank)
sometimes you have to choose
who to listen to
sometimes the one you gave
all your trust to
tries to convince you to
betray yourself
just to flex their powers
sometimes the one who was just
a heartbeat away
is now just waiting
to tear you apart
the genius knows nothing
but his books and his whispers
the prophet follows no one
but the blind
the only sound from the hunter
is the echo of the prey
his scream stays in your ears
far longer than any call
with no warning at all
he turns
and burns what's left of your soul
(know)
i walked up and down
stone steps
the sound of my feet echoed
in halls where the forefathers faltered
i lingered behind
smelling the antique odor of faded paint
varnished wood
and leather bound books
their thoughts waving on each page
i was intimidated by my surroundings
thinking that if i made one false step
one suspicious sound
i would be out of there
quick as a wink
and put in solitary confinement
living out my years thinking
about the wrong i'd done
to my country
just for a sneeze
and yet
for every fear i felt
my heart gave gratitude
for even being there
a half mexican twice removed
sharing in the awe of history
on every wall
on every ceiling
at every step
with every memory
that chose to be
(free)
