mile to mile

can't disconnect 
from the feeling
that we haven't truly met

side views underline 
my hypothesis

we talk, and fill
trying to keep what's still there

even if all we see
is the fantasy of what's
for us

each convincing with words
what we can't say

and movement to movement's
a mile away

empty islands of remorse
waved over with dark waters 
of insanity

why does it have to be this way?

(stay)

outlook unclear

it's only when
you are truly alone
that you realize 
your own worth

not what he thinks
not what she thinks
not what they believe
not what they know

but what you know
and feel inside

some say 
never apologize 
for your own beliefs

some say 
stride ahead
on your own path

but i never wrote anything
but what he thought

and i never walked anywhere
under my own power

and ever footfall was 
softened
by someone else

the outlook's unclear
when you can't see
with your own eyes

depending on the call
of others

staying out in the rain
with no sense but nonsense

blank to the stars again

(can't win)

out of reach

i didn't know
what we could not see
and shouldn't say
what i can't remember

but i have this feeling
of you as being good

innocent, if you would

white paper without writing
or any telltale smudges

offering yourself up to me
in amazement

and even though you're cloudy
out of focus under my hand

i still can feel warmth
and the promise of something good

if only things would 
swing our way

sometimes the stars seem
so close you can touch them

ever burning out of sight

(alive)

we don't

we don't kiss
but i miss your kisses

we don't hug
but i miss your warmth

we don't seem to see
eye to eye
we don't seem to give
any reason why
we're always saying 
hello goodbye

we aren't like lovers
it's true

but i still miss the heart of you

(true) 

real

there was an insistent
barking dog next door

who let her presence be known
over and over again

i tried to tame her 
with dog biscuits
water
kind words

perhaps love

but every time
the shadow of my hand
would come into her sight

she'd bark and bark
trembling furiously
at my audacity

for a day and a day i didn't hear
from her and i worried and 
fretted over what her owners
had done to her

but she soon returned
with a jaunty new sweater
a longer leash

and a look of blood in her eyes

i looked from afar
in gratitude
wondering why i missed
her ferocity

was i always the shadowy helper?

no answer came 
to my question of doubt

but her pout 
no longer intrigued me

the need to be me 
was stronger than 
the uncertainty

of the crumbs she let free

(be)

change

the wind blows
so hard to-night

i can feel it strip the trees
of the leaves
that were once so colourful

just a day ago

and the air
is so cold
so different than it was

just a week ago

they try and tell me
change is good

that the pruning
and the temperature
helps one grow
and mature

but wasn't it
awhile ago
that everything was fine?

time plods on
minute by minute
but all at once

skips a century

before i even got
a chance to see

what i was all about

(fade)

pen

i think of you
in fall

even if you don't think of me
at all

you always wrote better
lived happier
grew stronger

loved deeper
than me

over and over again
i saw the spirit of creativity
take over you

and magic would fly
from your eyes
your fingertips
your feet

your very soul

i think of you 
in fall

hair blowing 
in the wind

gracefully like
the ocean

i don't know how much
you mean to me

but i often stared
and tried to learn

(turn)

remind me

i ask you 
every night
what you do 
without me

and as you tell me
what you think
are the boring details

i picture you
working 
walking
writing

planning out your 
next move

and the next

the imaginations
makes this damn distance
shorter

this dark night brighter

and this dull hope
vibrant
in what could be

once this sickness
is through

and life begins again

so babble on, sweet one
in short words and long

don't worry about making
things fancy

just remind me of the you
you cover inside

surround me with what
makes you free

(be)

distraction

sometimes
you give me
too much hope

and blended 
conversations
become idealized
dreams

where we walk 
hand in hand within
the same mind

blissfully unaware
of the differences
inside

tamping down
thoughts of 
"why must i...."

averting our eyes
from the inevitable 
fall

(stall)

quizzes

when you don't know
how to answer

sometimes that's the answer

when you can't tell 
what to say

sometimes that's the way

when you can't respond
in the normal

maybe the question's abnormal

when you don't know 
how to be

fly free

who knows where you'll land

(hand)

filling in the blanks

i don't think you love me

i think you love the me
that you fill in the blanks with
when i'm not there

reality me is too much
for too little
and too loud
for too soft

and so far away
from what you think
i am

be what i am
and see what you're 
really missing

when you miss 
the dark
of me

(free)

darkest of days

you floated
inside me

for only a moment

yet i felt your spirit
throughout me

heart beating strong
with each passing 
day

until my body
betrayed you

i dared to dream
about our future 
to-gether

you dancing on air
among us

singing your own 
unique song 

for the ages

the fact you change
the world without
taking one step

speaks volumes

if only we could have
heard your voice

dream

(hush)

retreat

it doesn't take much
to encourage

a look
a text
a talk

it doesn't take much
to discourage

a glare
all caps
fuck off

why try?

(go)

 

disappear

i am ready
to go

but it isn't time yet

there's too much 
turmoil
there's too much 
hate

there's too many grey
areas in this world

i want to time it where
there's no question
but to go

i want to make them all
tired of me

i want to suck all the love
of me away from them
so they won't suffer

i want to erase myself
from whatever 
they remember

until they have enough 
memories where they 
stood against the wind
strong

without a tear in their eye

and faced their own kind of
happiness

soon enough this blueness
will end

and i'll fade to black easily

as if i was never there

and truly, i never was....

(gone)

 

abruptly finished

there came a time 
where you gave up
on me

and fell to your own devices

now, even though we are close
in house

in mind you are far away

i cross the hall to 
see your shadow

bathed in orange and white
electronic light

i try to break the spell
of immediate satisfaction
artistic designs
faceless friends

and your own indecision
of life

but all i hear
is a mysterious grunt
that's supposed to say
so much

but you can't be bothered 
to tell me how much
and why and where

leaving me standing
in the doorway
weighing my options
in the darkness of 
your presence

knowing i caused this
is only a little comfort
but it's the only logic
i can lean on

soon enough i'll be obsolete 
but i never thought i 
was going to retreat like 
this

so soon too soon
and not enough was taught

distraught i say 
goodbye

(why)

suddenly

when it happens

at all

it's sad

and aching

but when it happens

all of a sudden

it's worse

it's like a

quick fall

into chilling water

all of you trembles

as it immobilizes you

all you can 

think to do

is strike back

no! it isn't so!

as you try

to catch your

breath 

but can't

then you cry

deep sorrows of tears

that you've kept in

to be brave

all this time

the flow doesn't stop

when you want it to

it spills out

in common conversation

or when you're 

pretending to be sane

the shock from 

the memory

weakens you

and all you can think 

to do 

is escape it all

heading to some place

where there isn't any 

pain

some place where

there isn't any sorrow

some place there isn't any

you 

and your brain

fretting over and over

again

about the darkness that

came suddenly

over nothing at all

(go)

separate calm

i remember
the last time you
were near

so clearly

you were
at the laptop
as usual

getting the tiniest

bit of informative signal
from who knows where

typing furiously
about something
and nothing

all at the same time

and i drifted off
as i usually did

knowing we were
both in different
time zones again

you following the
trail of feelings that
glistened at night

and me chasing 
sleep once more

the bed 

seemed to 

hold us to-gether

physically

so we could get
to calmness

mentally

you just a 

touch away

from genius

and me 

just a 

touch away

from softness

may we 

touch again

(when)

are you sleeping?

are you sleeping?
what a ridiculous
question

a poet is required
to keep watch over the night
while you sleep

my brain is a
lightning rod
capturing all bad dreams
before they get to you

my writings are a
monologue
coercing all madness
out of my system

before the dawn

there's nothing
going on while
you slumber

but i'm here
just to make sure

my fee is doritos
and a good episode
of mash

pass the sprite and
dash on to sleep

(creep)

assurances

it's all right
for you to desert me

i can learn things
on my own

it's all right
for you to stop talking
to me

i can hear nothing
so much better

it's all right
for you to forget me

i can be my own
memory

and no matter how
faulty i get

no matter how
foggy it seems

no matter how
forgotten i grow to be

rest assured
i'll save a chance to dream

even if the scene
is just my demise

nice try

(fly)

haikus to found cloth

scrap of cloth i found
red like the end of the sun
nothing more profound

where did i get this
is it part of wedding dress
torn from great distress?

i once had the hands
that made shelter for my soul
now emptiness reigns

jellyfish

sometimes my memory
is too antiseptic

i'm too pathetic
for my own dreams

when i wake
i'm in a suspended state
of belief

there's no relief
when i open my eyes

just the white of
the ceiling

and the underlying feeling
of grief

i strain back to
a forgiving time

when all the rhymes
were plentiful

i woke to
the surprisingly calm sound
of snoring

there was no boring
in my open gaze

just the hazy
blue of the morning

and the overwhelming warning
of bliss

but i digress

(yes)

container

stuff it all in 
forget to hope
too many blanks
too much rope

keep it down 
hide and leave it
make no sound
don't grieve it

it wasn't alive anyway 

(go) 

too far

i asked
too much
for you
to answer

i was
too much
for you 
to handle

i wished
too much
for you
to grant

i walked 
too far
for you
to follow

sorrow no more

(go)

headache

i've had a headache
for days

i know it's not because
i think too much

or is it?

i know it's not because
i have no brain cells

or do i?

i say i'm not smart
to keep me humble

but maybe i need to
say i have more to learn

and the capacity
to learn it

rather than
hold myself down
with words

crap
now i've got a bigger
headache

oh well

(sigh)

instruction book

touch my face

randomly

hold my hair

tenderly

in odd moments,

drape your arm

around my hips

lean on my shoulder

from behind

unexpectedly

do all

without provocation

or denigration

without wanting

everything

or needing me to do

anything

but look and

feel you

revel and 

lean against you

need and be needed

from afar

even the stars 

would be jealous

of what we are

if you follow things

to the letter

(do)

enigma

again the wrong
comes out my mouth

again the song
ends

again the time
cuts short the reverie

again the remark
stops the good memory

can nothing stay
in colour

must it all be black and
white

always fight
with myself
or fight
against help

i dream
but don't remember

what i savor
is what's left behind

(mind)

silently

so many times
i have to
suffer

quietly

and tell no one
how i truly feel

that's not unusual

everyone hides
something

whether it be
how they feel
about someone

how they feel
around someone

or how they feel
under someone

my grammar
may be crude
and my manner
may be rude

but i won't tell
how i truly feel

even with you

not that you'd notice
my truth
anyway

we all 
have veils

(trail)

advice

"don't ever fall
for a poet"

the wise one
said to me

"for all she'll do
is scrutinize

and drive you
crazily"


"she'll give you
words like 'poetical'

and hide her
dictionary

she'll ask you
questions like 'dat u?'

and want to hear
soliloquies"


"no don't ever fall
for a poet

for what a falling off
is there"

he said no more
but his eyes

glazed over in
a stare

that said volumes

if only i'd listened

(ere)

spammed poetically

greetings!!

do you want to make your time
a bit more inspiring

and exceptional?

i'd like to find a partner
for some sparkling nightimes

of disorder

i dream of being
entwined
in one thing whole

as two passionate worms

if wise be your vision
and silk be your voice

and your life tracings
long and steady

i could be ready
to change it all

dramatically

along the banks
of don't-know-where
and under the trees
of did-you-care

i'll be there

find me

(soon)

time limit

i have thirty minutes
to tell you
how much i miss you

before you lose patience
with me

i have thirty minutes
to tell you
how special you are

before you toss the phone
into the air

scream that silent scream
that i always hear with
my heart

and come back again
with that sickeningly sweet
voice

polite in phone language
but
devoid of feeling

tracing down
the middle of the road

to the darkness
i find you in
my dreams

thirty minutes
isn't enough
to remember

what you are to me

but then
how much time
does it take

to trace the rest
of your insanity?

(time)

just another rain

i used to think
all i needed

was a tent
the rain

and you

but now i don't want
to impose my sadness
upon you

all the stops and starts
that happen in conversation

one moment sun,
one moment intense despair

the other doritos

i know
i can fake-smile through
all that surrounds

but you've found
that can't be the truth

for you

and all that's left
could be stuffed into the corner
of a tiny zipper bag
in a mangled backpack

well traveled
never coming back
to what it was

or what could 
have been

(send)

siren no more

i get the fish
for you and i

and we eat
side by side

at night you purr
and the sound
calms me

it supersedes the roar
of the waves

which endlessly cry
and always plagues

it makes me think
no one is near

and i fear whatever
calls me to sing

will start again
the moment you stop
purring

so i get the fish
for you and i

and dine in peace
both day and nigh

so glad to my heart
i am
for thee

(free)

poetic difficulties

erase

and walk

write

and stand still

try to form 

the words that 

make something

out of nothing

the last time

i saw you

it was through a curtain

of tears

an out of focus view

of what you were

ages ago

each time i start

and stop this

i think of something

new to lament

best stop here

(go)

trio of bears

1
you once known as bear
has become a force to me
that strengthens my heart

2
did you ever see
or did you sit in the dark
waiting for a sound?

3
i don't realize
how painful the waiting is
'til i see your face

nothing

he's not going to tell you
what you want to hear

that your eyes
are a chocolate river
that flows sweetness
to his heart

that your hair
is a growing madness
that his fingers
can't help but touch

that your face
defied any darkness
in its sunny disposition

that your song
is the only harmony
that calms his indecision

no, he's not going to tell you
what you want to hear

but when you fear
he'll be there

not saying anything
but calmly waiting
by

(sigh)

sad songs

she played
the sad songs
over and over again

cluing me in
on the rain clouds
within

deep inside her heart

she seldom spoke
when she played the
mellow keys

but often sang
when the memories
overtook her

you never heard
such a rousting version
of walk forward
eileen

or the polka version
of tread softly on
sunshine

the lines form gently
upon her face

tracing each pain

but she still sounds the same

even if all
the songs are sad

(had)

update

past months it's been hard
to put pencil to paper

(much less cursor to screen)

sometimes the pressure
makes silent screams
happen

and i used to be able
to let it out in words
and syllables

but the world makes me
weary now

and all i seem to do is
scroll and scan

snort and smile
snot and cry

live and let live

does this mean i'm
getting wiser to the
game?

or does it mean the
insane has run off

to other places?

step by step i
climb up to
the fresh air

but the desert sand
hazes the way

blinding and numbing
all i see and feel

nothing's real
anymore

(tore)

untitled

i've been meaning
to tell you

i've been meaning
to say

but i don't want
to burden you

with the feelings
at play

i want to be heavy
and ask for your heart

i want to be needy
and ask when we'll start

i want to know from you
what keeps us apart

but things keep getting
in the way

the world
the crime
the sickness
the dime

the time never is right
for us

is the push to-gether
to weather every obstacle

worth all that's possible
to make us us?

i wonder

(see)

sorrow

sorrow

(or "trying to write normal in a how to write your stress away class")

sorrow makes everything

look dull and dusty

it smells like rain that

was not needed (or wanted)

it tastes like a large pill

that never dissolves

it sounds like a buoy swaying 

needlessly warning

it feels like old corduroy 

on a very hot day

when sorrow takes over

i can't see the sun

(much less the trees)

it's the hole i've dug 

deepest

in the land of my emotions

no potion can take me

away from the blue

(true)

reality

i'm in a spot
where

there's nothing
i can control

nothing
i can predict

nothing
i can do
but try
to be me

and even if
you walk away

at least i have
the sanity

of knowing
my reality

before the dream
ends

(be)

blue jean woes

man, my jeans have lint
all over them

i swear i washed them
just a-while ago

why does this happen to me?

zoom meeting in an hour
and even though i know
no one can see my
pants

i see them
out of the corner
of my eye

and they remind me
that i have the world
totally covered

even though i don't

oh well
i'll just turn off
my camera

display my
curious george
profile picture

and hope for the best

it's about all
you can do
these days

(hide)

away

i have tried to be
over clouds and under sun
always on the run

i was once a bank
full of proper full of piss
very little bliss

now i float outside
far away from dark of night
closer to the light

somewhere

things still grows
outside

they say

trees still knows
what is good

and gracefully 
they sway

inside i trip
over my own shadow
inside i breathe in
what i can't swallow
inside i'm trapped
by my own desires

the fire still burns
outside somewhere

they say

but only God knows where

(there)

fishing

some think on paper
some think only on the page
i think to the sky

sometimes the bad thoughts
seem to take over my soul
shooting to the sun

i have to harness
all the harm that i can think
fishing for the stars

safer

hiding inside
while the world
passes on

safer at home
they say

washing my
hands over and
over again

like some
misgotten play

the ones who
go up are the
lucky ones

their dreams
are all coming
true

but i'd want to
breathe a thousand
bad breaths inside

before i fly off
in the blue

i'd rather stay
in hell with you

(true)

bottled

if i hide it all
inside a clear milk bottle
no one will come near

--------------------

did you ever think
we would be our own country
hiding in ourselves?

---------------------

glass surrounding me
plastic thoughts repel the pain
steel within my heart

---------------------

a sparrow

i never looked outside
as much as i do
now

i mean
i loved the sunset
all orange and fire

since way back

and i stared
at water's waves
as they lapped the land
into submission

since i was young

but i never looked
so closely
at what surrounded
me before

life underscored
by silence makes you
long for the patience

of the untamed

is that a sparrow
at my window?

it's not a robin
all red from pride
and importance

it's not a turkey
because i'm not
salivating for gravy
to go with it

it's not a blackbird
because i'm not
singing to it in
yesterday's tune

a sparrow it is
alive and free

just a few inches
away from me

i sit 
and watch it fly

(goodbye)

quiet

i remember
on one of the last days

when you took me
to that foreign restaurant

you kept apologizing
for the old people
surrounding us

but they had more life
that i did

dancing with their eyes
and quipping over their
decaf coffee

not a care 
in the world

i remember
just as we left

when we paused
at the rickety bridge

i kept looking
at the koi pond
surrounding the eatery

it had more life
than we did

waving its regrets
and splashing its complaints
to the shore

not a worry
in the world

how can i be
so self-centered?

how can we be
so untender?

why can't we speak
more than we've been
taught?

hiding our answers
and tying the knot
to our emotions

keeping still
while the fires rage
within us

(quiet)

insides

the time to work is now
but i feel a chill inside
that won't ever leave

is it sickness from
all the germs surrounding me
or is it my brain?

if i don't learn how
to let go of what i feel
it will eat me up

the whispers

when all that was left
was my whispers

when all i could see
was me

i went down to
the bottom of
where i was

and talked to
the collection
that surrounded me

i told the tales
i remembered

from childhood days
of comfort

i confessed the sins
i recalled

from misspent days
of anger

i cried the thoughts
i received

from endless nights
and empty days

where all i could see
was the faded haze

of what life was
once before

i tore the air
with my utterings

but no one answered
with my name

(hush)