Wednesday, April 30, 2014

30 - unexpected cold

the unexpected cold
how alone it makes 
me feel?

the inescapable chill
how much it makes
me ache?

i look out
to the east
whispering your name
like a promise
from my lips

the memory of
what you were
to my heart

willing your
presence to me

i know you're busy
with your life
for this season

i know i'm busy
with my struggle
for a reason

but i can't help
longing for the sight
of you

i can't help
wishing for a night 
with you

i look out 
to the east
whispering your name

and the sun rises again


Monday, April 28, 2014

29 -- while supplies last

you'll have to
deal with me
for just a-while longer

i'm not finished yet

i want to make sure
you're free from harm

but you have
to let me
do my job

i can't have you
kicking and screaming
when you know
i'm on my way

i can't have you
fighting off sleep
as if you were
fighting the demons
inside of you

one day you will be free

but for now
i'm here
for a limited time only

you'll be glad
i stayed nearby

but you won't know it
until i'm long gone

i'm here
to give you
the peace you deserve

if you just hold on
and let me be


soundcloud version here:

28-- memory

i've never held a hand
like i did
when i held your hand
that day

and i never kissed a man
like i did
when i kissed your lips
that way

and even though
my memory blurs
when i think back
on us

i still remember
the warmth of you
as it took over
the coldness of me

conquering what
was left of
my sadness

and finally
setting me free


Sunday, April 27, 2014

27- labels

please don't call me
in all of this

inside i tremble
and shake

please don't call me
with all of this

i curse
and rue the days

there will be a time
of calm and

where worry and
fear will be
a thing of the past

but some days
i can't see
the wiseness
in those words

i can't see
the blueness of the sky
through all the clouds

i can't be
who you all
want me to be


all of these
are words
that put me
in a porcelain cage

far from
the reality of me


Saturday, April 26, 2014

26- darkest lament

was you and
was i

we tried to
the tired

wishing that
separate us

from the
that we

in the night
of a thousand

but not enough
to dream


Friday, April 25, 2014

25- sweet counsel

when the skies are 
too bright

i come to you
and hide
from the sun

cradled close
i can hear 
your heart's voice
in my ear

reassuring me
of the love
that's there

and as i close
my eyes in

all the 
that held me down

fall away
in the sweet counsel
of your embrace

reminding me
over and over 

that i matter
to at least one

no matter 
what is said

i feel no dread
in the warmth of
your arms


Thursday, April 24, 2014

24- liar

covering yourself
with lies
to try to look good

living your life
in the Light
just to feel good

thinking that heaven
is the ultimate prize

dealing out hell
to all you despise

one day the scars
you give to me

will be the stumbles
that you just can't believe

but by then i'll be free


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

23- uneven roads

i get tired
of the uneven roads
we have to walk

i get tired
of forgetting how to be
with you

we were so close
just yesterday

why does it all
so quickly?

if only i could be
as mature
as you are

if only i could
be the same
each time we talk

if only i wasn't
the awkward one
around you

we were to-gether

seems lost
when we're apart

each in
our own darknesses

wishing for a new start

when the sun comes again


22- all smiles

you gave us
the best twenty minutes
of each day

all smiles
in agreement
big hugs
and contentment

we never saw the bad

when the camera
was on
you strived to show us
how happy a couple
could be

hiding the darkness
just around the corner
stuffing the sadness
in the other room

where we never went

how much better
would it have been
if we saw you

warts and all

working out
the difficulties
learning all
the intricacies

coming back from
each blow
stronger than before

closer in heart-understanding

teaching us
how to make
the sun shine again

after the harsh rain
of reality

can't you see
that the bad helps, too?

be renewed
by the greyness abound

come around again
back to love


21- strong

all i want to do
is hold you close

long and strong

until i feel
your heartbeat
slow down
and beat with mine

just as if
we were one person

united and strong

alive in the hope
of what we'll be



20- tracing roads

do you know that
when i don't know 
where i'm going

i sit
and think about

how to get to you

i travel down 
all those roads 
with my mind

the familiar ones
that i know by heart
and the new ones
that i'm learning by faith

that i can be real 
where you are free

that it'll take time
for us to be we

where you exist
where i breathe

where we 
get to know
who we are


alive and playing


Saturday, April 19, 2014

i can't stop my brain (migrated poem)

i can't go through this night
i'm in so much pain
the thoughts that run through me
should exhaust me
but i can't sleep ... i can't...

she's dead, and i miss her
i saw her leave the earth
she looked right at me,
but couldn't speak
i didn't know ... i didn't know
it would hurt her so much

she trusted me
she let me feed her
she'd call me at all hours
i was her constant
i was the only one

they told me it was for the best
let her go ... let her go ,,,
gently, with love
and she'll disappear in the night

she fought death
she felt it
she knew
she knew
she was scared!
they lied
they lied!

she was very aware
and she looked at me ...

and i sit here
night after night
hearing her silent cries
seeing her pleading eyes

crying all the time

i can't sleep
i can't end this night
i can't ... i can't ...

i never want to be at peace again

(from 2-13-09)

19-- traveling

with what's left of the sun
to guide me

forward into the midst
of what was my dream

the wind bend the branches
manipulating them to its will

hoping still
to find some colour in all
my grey

wanting to stay
but longing for home

but strong again

in all this death
there has to be a song


18- broken promises

what once was broken
will be healed

don't know when
don't know how

but what's inside
will be renewed

lean on me
and you'll see

i'll bring you
back to me

if only
you'd trust in me


17--unseen, unheard

can't see what
trouble they're causing

can't tell when
hearts are breaking

the intent
is to give love
from the distance

but the affect
blocks the heart
from feeling
just what he feels
when you tell him
you need him

baring souls
never works
from miles away

best hide
what you feel
deep inside

until eyes meet

that happens again

if ever


Friday, April 18, 2014

16- hand in hand

don't know what
to say

don't know what
to do

sometimes i want
to break free from myself

be another self

so i can tell you
how i feel

so i can do for you
like you do
for me

and torn
between the loud whispers
in my soul

and the quiet way
you squeeze my hand

as we walk home


15- fearless childhood

fearless childhood
come back to me now

run down the
hotel halls
with me

looking for mischief

stomp proudly in
your new shoes
beside me

playing with maturity

skip happily down
the shadowy paths
in front of me

you know where
to find the sun

lead me back
to what i was

smiling boldly
at whatever will come

hope come again
make the fear
go away


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

14- if i learn

i get scared
that i won't be
me again

but then i think
what's the point 
of all this?

if i learn
from the pain

so be it

if i learn
from the loneliness
then that's good, too

if i learn
to depend on me
not the reflection of me
in the eyes of another

then no matter how
my body gets

my spirit will soar
and live on

than before

if i just learn
from all the darkness

the light 
will heal me again


13- inspirations

flying across a page
inspire me

blazed in black and white
ignite me

to think harder
to dream bigger
to live better

to try my best
to always see

the beauty
that surrounds me

no matter
how dark
the world can be


Saturday, April 12, 2014

12- touch dreams

i miss
the luxury of touch
that we once had

the unexpected hugs
the gentle caresses
that came out of

the kisses
that didn't come
from books

but from the heart

sometimes i feel
like the words we say
can't replace
the warmth i wish for

and that i'm the
only one
who misses the
constant connection

but then you stare at me
with half closed eyes

reminding me
that you need me

and i forget
the sorrow of
my longingness

as i turn to the

of you


Friday, April 11, 2014

11- colour

and they walked in light
bathed by the colour
that was in their sight

but not feeling
the path ahead

but not hearing
the words that were said

sometimes the silence
is the only way to cope

finding the road
that leads back 
to hope


Thursday, April 10, 2014

10-- grow

you believe
in what i am

even though
i don't know
who that is

you support
who i want to be

even though
i don't know
where i'm going

and when i falter
and stumble around

looking for that last
bit of light

you're always there
gently pointing the way

but letting me
walk by myself

finding my footing
once again

so i can walk back to you


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

9- warmth

when we're talking
in the coffee shop

(the one we always 
meet at on those
lazy saturdays)

it's a challenge 
for me to
figure out

just what is 
the most warm
at that moment

is it the coffee
that i've been 
hankering for
all morning long?

(that speeds 
my heart and
gets my mind
to moving)

or is it the 
intensity in
your eyes?

(that calms 
my heart and
gets my soul 
to growing)

there were 
so many times
when the cold 
never left

that it's so 
to feel

the warmth that
holds me still

when you are
by my side


8- no words left

tried again and again
to write something
for you

but the cursor mocked
every idea i had

how can i use the same
hundred words
over and over again?

to explain what
you mean to me

to explain what's
beating in my heart

whenever you start
looking my way....


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

7-- makeovers

gonna make myself over
to the way i was before

light and carefree

i'm going to find
that long forgotten giggle

and use it effortlessly

search for all the colours
that i used to wear

throwing all the armor away

walk outside without fear
trembling no more

into my brand new day


Sunday, April 6, 2014

6- mute hearts

i don't know what to say
to you

all i can do
is sit by you

and wait the storm through

hoping you'll feel
what i cannot say

hoping you'll know
that i'm here all day

no matter the rain
no matter the cold

no matter how sick
no matter how old

i'll be here
as you were for me

in those dark days
you made me see

without saying a word


Saturday, April 5, 2014

5- i forget

i forget
how important
every word i say is
to you

i forget
that you listen
to every syllable

and each time
i fuck up
i tell myself

"i won't hurt him."

only to forget myself
and fuck up again


4 saving you

i wanted you alive
and free
and by my side again

so i did what i did
to save you

and now you're free
and looking at me

wondering how
i sunk so low
to rescue you

and all i can do
is shrivel
at the truth in your eyes

and wonder why
you don't understand

just what you mean to me


Thursday, April 3, 2014

3 buried message

so many times
poets send messages
to other people

abusing the talent of their ode

they fling words
hoping to hit a target
that's already writhing
in pain

from afar

shaking a finger
over and over

hoping to teach
a lesson to
a person who's
in a vastly different

writing a truth
that someone can't begin
to accept

much less understand

much less hope
much less sun


2 the journey

i didn't want
to travel this road

i didn't think
i could do it

and with all the
shadowy valleys
surrounding me

i can't see
a happy ending

and yet i pack
as i've done before
carrying comfort that
keeps me strong

hoping for kindness
when i know there must be

wishing again and again
that i didn't have to go

hoping the road is slow,
and kind along the way


1 begins the end

the plague in me
started at an instant
at a time
when everyone else

wanted normalcy

i tried to deliver
what i had before
smiles, a few laughs

scattered words on a page

but the beast in me
took hold of my hand
twisting phrases and
throwing pauses

where there was once peace

i know an ending will come
where i will be whole
in the setting sun

i know that soon
the pain will leave
and bring light again

but what will be left
of the actions i've made
while in the grips of insanity

what will hell leave behind?