please

please
let it be real

please
let it be new

please
learn how to feel

please
learn what is true

please
let me inside
even if
it is stark

please
know it is love
even when
it is dark

i'm not an illusion
anymore

(true)

they say

idle talk
about specific things

stormy clouds
empty rings

tender times
are far away

sunny skies
hopeful days

dream away
what's left of the night

surely things
will be all right

they say

beware

beware the one
who tickles your ear
with jokes and laughs
about others

she's also the one
who delights your friends
with jabs and sneers
about you

your child

so glad your child
isn't mine

i'd teach him some manners

with love and attention
and humour

i'd be strict
up to a point

watchful
at all times

ready with a hug
(not a strangle)

and real

you should know
you have a smart
and loving child

inside

it just takes awhile
to excavate him

out of the world's
darknesses

tightrope

if you can't see
my face
how are you so sure
of how i feel?

if all you're going by
is my voice
how are you so sure
of my anger?

if i breathe
the wrong way
will i lose you forever?

i walk
toe to heel
on the line

hoping this time
to be right

(true)

again

tear
the pages
to
my heart

again and again 
and again

replace
my words
with
your story

again and again
and again

bend
the dreams
with
your will

again and again
and again

deny
my life
with
your love

again and again
and again

(can't win)

in a world that's constantly changing (matt and stella)

(july 11, 2009)

he thought he had it all, but he wanted to be sure.

matt moved to the side of the restaurant counter, sliding the food tray with him. he checked over the orders. her cheeseburger, mayonnaise no onions. (because she's allergic to onions.)  his cheeseburger, mustard, no onions. (because he wanted to be kissed some time this decade.) ok. fries. cups for drinks. all there. good.

he carefully walked to the back booth, and put down the food. gently, he pulled the ear bud from stella's right ear.

"what do you want to drink?"

startled a little, stella looked up from her writing.

"um . . uh . .something diet. thanks."

matt kissed her ear, causing her to pull back with giggles. he grabbed the cups, and went on a beverage hunt.

he came back with drinks, napkins, and ketchup balanced precariously in his hands. he saw that she had unwrapped her burger, and spread her fries next to it. he did the same, slowly shaking out the fries from their container. he then took the ketchup and drizzled it in a crisscross fashion over the side order. he pulled his tray closer to the edge of the table, put the napkin on his lap, and looked up.

stella had already taken three bites out of her burger, and was holding a big handful of fries near her mouth.

"what?" she asked, voice muffled by food.

"n ..nothing." he smiled slightly.

she nodded, and inhaled potato.

he watched her for a moment, admonishing himself. of course she was hungry . . .it had been hours since breakfast, and very late for lunch. why didn't he remember that she was a real person, who ate regularly and did things at their normal times? for all the nuttiness, and quirkiness that was stella, she still had a schedule she kept to. people depended on her at more predictable times. and even now, on her vacation, he could tell she was trying to keep things orderly. well, as orderly as she could with him around.

"i'm sorry."

"why?" she had slowed the pace down a bit, and it was easier to understand her through pickles.

"i didn't know you were so hungry."

"no .. i'm ok. i always eat like this, unfortunately." she smiled as she caveman-ripped at her burger. she put it down, and reached on her lap for the napkin that wasn't there.

"sorry. here."

he handed her what she searched for, watching her delicately spotting the paper to her lips.

"thanks. quit saying you're sorry."

matt looked down quickly, trying to hide his eyes.

"i *am* sorry, though. i didn't mean to starve you."

"it's ok. i'm here with you. i'm fitting into your schedule."

"but i don't *have* a schedule."

stella sighed.

"it's ok. your lack of a schedule is a schedule, too. it's just a free and easy schedule. sort of a . .non-schedule thing. "

she giggled. he looked up.

"let's see how many more times i can say "schedule" in a sentence."

he looked down again, this time to smile and shake his head.

"eat, matt. it'll work out."

so they ate, and talked, and giggled through their meal. well, she giggled. matt smiled wryly a few times, and let out small explosions of laughter that surprised him. he felt strangely. . . optimistic.

he may just have it all, but he still wasn't sure.