bitter lessons

life is a series of

learning

and giving up

listening

and forgetting

loving

and letting go

until it doesn't matter

anymore

take the fire 

from yourself

dull it into darkness

and forget yourself

(survive)

nevermind

in your time

not mine

who you'll meet 

never mine

in your heart 

never mind

by your terms

never mine

nevermind 

lightning rod

what makes me

the one people talk to

returning a movie

someone said 

"this isn't what i thought

it would be"

and i was like 

open to a response

he got the movie because

it was about a war 

he was in

but the movie was about

the politics behind

the war

not the footsteps 

that he walked in

and yet

he didn't want me

to find a movie

about the soldiers' stories 

"i was there"

and he told me

how he was there

carrying 100 pound weapons

that fought against tanks

it was within me to say

"thank you for your service"

and i did, in my way

"we're glad you came back"

he laughed slightly, and said

"me, too"

and nothing more 

had to be said

but i listened anyway

what makes me 

the one they open up to

i always wonder

(me the lightning rod of empathy)

and how can i help

as gracefully as i can

sometimes, 

no matter how slight 

it feels

all i can do is listen

prick up your ears

there's lessons to be learned

(hush)

stop trying

i've decided

to stop trying

no more compliments

to smooth out the wrinkles

of a bed that's not slept in

no more placating

to calm the nerves

of a cat that can't be tamed

no more caring 

for others 

deeply and ardently

past the time

i'm being paid to

no more listening

to conversations 

where i know i can help

if only i can find the right way 

to say what the solution is

before it's too late

no more sharing 

and giving

hoping 

and living

fullstop being

what others need me to be

free

to think and do what i please

it's ok

no one will notice

the change 

from within

but me

just one step closer 

to the darkness 

i still seek

(be)

excuse my absence

this is just to say

i haven't forgotten this

i haven't forgotten us

i just have the sounds

of wise children in my ear

asking more than

children around me

ever did

about bright futures

and drawbacks of my job

and books

and deeper meanings

and laughter

the good kind of laughter

that doesn't get caught 

in your throat

the shared laughter

where you have to

hide the sound of it

with your hand 

over your mouth

and you end up 

sounding like 

ernie from sesame street

which delights 

the children more

even though

they don't know why

laughter

the forgotten sound 

in memory

of a time

when all was protected

and nothing was lost

(ago)

if only

if only

i could speak 

the way he understands

if only 

i could help

the way he needs

if only 

i could be cool

when he wants

be sweet

when he needs

be helpful

when he's down

all at once

if only i could be 

normal

for him

then i would be

of some use

instead of 

the useless

that's me

(be)

pause

it's the rain

and the worry

that makes me this tense

and yet

i can't show it

because i'm supposed to be Leader

so i breathe

a lot

walk around

and check on people

and 

for one brief moment

i'm calm

designing colorful promos

that someone may not want

or care about

but it's an exercise of the mind

for me

a chance to pause 

the anxiety

(brum)

and control at least

a small part

of my existence

(even if it's futile)

let me sneak 

these few words out

into the internet

and forget

who i have to be

in a search 

of what 

i want to be

(flee)