hallowed halls

i walked up and down
stone steps

the sound of my feet echoed
in halls where the forefathers faltered

i lingered behind

smelling the antique odor of faded paint
varnished wood
and leather bound books 

their thoughts waving on each page

i was intimidated by my surroundings
thinking that if i made one false step

one suspicious sound

i would be out of there
quick as a wink
and put in solitary confinement

living out my years thinking
about the wrong i'd done
to my country

just for a sneeze

and yet
for every fear i felt
my heart gave gratitude
for even being there

a half mexican twice removed
sharing in the awe of history

on every wall
on every ceiling
at every step

with every memory
that chose to be

(free)

mile to mile

can't disconnect 
from the feeling
that we haven't truly met

side views underline 
my hypothesis

we talk, and fill
trying to keep what's still there

even if all we see
is the fantasy of what's
for us

each convincing with words
what we can't say

and movement to movement's
a mile away

empty islands of remorse
waved over with dark waters 
of insanity

why does it have to be this way?

(stay)

outlook unclear

it's only when
you are truly alone
that you realize 
your own worth

not what he thinks
not what she thinks
not what they believe
not what they know

but what you know
and feel inside

some say 
never apologize 
for your own beliefs

some say 
stride ahead
on your own path

but i never wrote anything
but what he thought

and i never walked anywhere
under my own power

and ever footfall was 
softened
by someone else

the outlook's unclear
when you can't see
with your own eyes

depending on the call
of others

staying out in the rain
with no sense but nonsense

blank to the stars again

(can't win)

out of reach

i didn't know
what we could not see
and shouldn't say
what i can't remember

but i have this feeling
of you as being good

innocent, if you would

white paper without writing
or any telltale smudges

offering yourself up to me
in amazement

and even though you're cloudy
out of focus under my hand

i still can feel warmth
and the promise of something good

if only things would 
swing our way

sometimes the stars seem
so close you can touch them

ever burning out of sight

(alive)

we don't

we don't kiss
but i miss your kisses

we don't hug
but i miss your warmth

we don't seem to see
eye to eye
we don't seem to give
any reason why
we're always saying 
hello goodbye

we aren't like lovers
it's true

but i still miss the heart of you

(true) 

real

there was an insistent
barking dog next door

who let her presence be known
over and over again

i tried to tame her 
with dog biscuits
water
kind words

perhaps love

but every time
the shadow of my hand
would come into her sight

she'd bark and bark
trembling furiously
at my audacity

for a day and a day i didn't hear
from her and i worried and 
fretted over what her owners
had done to her

but she soon returned
with a jaunty new sweater
a longer leash

and a look of blood in her eyes

i looked from afar
in gratitude
wondering why i missed
her ferocity

was i always the shadowy helper?

no answer came 
to my question of doubt

but her pout 
no longer intrigued me

the need to be me 
was stronger than 
the uncertainty

of the crumbs she let free

(be)

change

the wind blows
so hard to-night

i can feel it strip the trees
of the leaves
that were once so colourful

just a day ago

and the air
is so cold
so different than it was

just a week ago

they try and tell me
change is good

that the pruning
and the temperature
helps one grow
and mature

but wasn't it
awhile ago
that everything was fine?

time plods on
minute by minute
but all at once

skips a century

before i even got
a chance to see

what i was all about

(fade)