retreat

it doesn't take much
to encourage

a look
a text
a talk

it doesn't take much
to discourage

a glare
all caps
fuck off

why try?

(go)

 

disappear

i am ready
to go

but it isn't time yet

there's too much 
turmoil
there's too much 
hate

there's too many grey
areas in this world

i want to time it where
there's no question
but to go

i want to make them all
tired of me

i want to suck all the love
of me away from them
so they won't suffer

i want to erase myself
from whatever 
they remember

until they have enough 
memories where they 
stood against the wind
strong

without a tear in their eye

and faced their own kind of
happiness

soon enough this blueness
will end

and i'll fade to black easily

as if i was never there

and truly, i never was....

(gone)

 

abruptly finished

there came a time 
where you gave up
on me

and fell to your own devices

now, even though we are close
in house

in mind you are far away

i cross the hall to 
see your shadow

bathed in orange and white
electronic light

i try to break the spell
of immediate satisfaction
artistic designs
faceless friends

and your own indecision
of life

but all i hear
is a mysterious grunt
that's supposed to say
so much

but you can't be bothered 
to tell me how much
and why and where

leaving me standing
in the doorway
weighing my options
in the darkness of 
your presence

knowing i caused this
is only a little comfort
but it's the only logic
i can lean on

soon enough i'll be obsolete 
but i never thought i 
was going to retreat like 
this

so soon too soon
and not enough was taught

distraught i say 
goodbye

(why)

suddenly

when it happens

at all

it's sad

and aching

but when it happens

all of a sudden

it's worse

it's like a

quick fall

into chilling water

all of you trembles

as it immobilizes you

all you can 

think to do

is strike back

no! it isn't so!

as you try

to catch your

breath 

but can't

then you cry

deep sorrows of tears

that you've kept in

to be brave

all this time

the flow doesn't stop

when you want it to

it spills out

in common conversation

or when you're 

pretending to be sane

the shock from 

the memory

weakens you

and all you can think 

to do 

is escape it all

heading to some place

where there isn't any 

pain

some place where

there isn't any sorrow

some place there isn't any

you 

and your brain

fretting over and over

again

about the darkness that

came suddenly

over nothing at all

(go)

separate calm

i remember
the last time you
were near

so clearly

you were
at the laptop
as usual

getting the tiniest

bit of informative signal
from who knows where

typing furiously
about something
and nothing

all at the same time

and i drifted off
as i usually did

knowing we were
both in different
time zones again

you following the
trail of feelings that
glistened at night

and me chasing 
sleep once more

the bed 

seemed to 

hold us to-gether

physically

so we could get
to calmness

mentally

you just a 

touch away

from genius

and me 

just a 

touch away

from softness

may we 

touch again

(when)