and walk
write
and stand still
try to form
the words that
make something
out of nothing
the last time
i saw you
it was through a curtain
of tears
an out of focus view
of what you were
ages ago
each time i start
and stop this
i think of something
new to lament
best stop here
(go)
Well done; witsome ending.
ReplyDeleteA "veil" (of tears) could have worked well with "view" - but of course, would have sounded cliched.
I probed with:
1. it was through a valance
of tears . . .
2. through a torn valence
of tears
1. a out of balance view
of what you were
2. an unbalanced view
of what you were
I liked the word play connotation of "valence". "Unbalanced" might work with the hint of unbalanced mind, but unfortunately, seems change the prospect of the poem. Worse- much worse - anything I tried loses the easy immediacy and vigor of your original. My excuse is that I am obviously a complicated guy . . . . or do I mean the oblivious guy complicating behind the curtain?
"All the words a stage, and we but babblers"
well, me anyway
well, you certainly are prince valance here! this was a first thought, no edit version.... i was already upset that i was starting and stopping all the time. thanks for giving me things to think about... the picture deserves so much more!
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