the crisis of remembering (matt and stella)

dear matt,

i was trying last night to remember you. really remember you. i can't.

i tried for how you looked. i know, i know. i could just look at the pictures i have. they don't help. they don't move. they float silently on my monitor, stiffly smiling, with dead eyes. paused. not free.

i went for how you sound. easy. i hear your voice every day. but, did you know that the phone makes your voice deeper? harder, in a way. sort of . . . untouchable.

i've given up feeling your arms.

can you do something for me? can you really, really *try* to get well? because i know when you do put your mind to something, then it happens. and ... you *do* want to see me again . . .

. . don't you?

i know. i know. i'm forever silly. you do miss me, as much as i miss you. but, after-a-while, it seems like no matter how much you try to assure me . . .i mean . . it's like the words get meaningless as we repeat them over and over again. but, i do love you. and i do miss you. and i do want to be with you again . . 

. . . and i don't know how to tell you in a new, beautiful way that will heal everything.

please remember me. i can never forget you.


love,

stella