warm

i don't think
i've ever been

so warm

i don't know
if i've ever been

so in love

i don't want
this feeling to end

so strong

i don't say
all i feel inside

so scared

silent
in the moment
of you

lost
but finding my way
to me

and all the possibilities
of what could be

in us

(true)

nov pad 2014 26: same

seeing you
in the places
we've been

watching you
trace our footsteps
again

makes my mind wander

i want to be
where the memories
are

i want to be
underneath the same
stars

i want to know
that you feel
the same

as you walk through
our rain

to the sun again

(watch)

nov pad 2014 25: believe

i think of you
and hope
that someday i
can help

i listen to you
and wish
that somehow i
can cure

i talk to you
and think
that sometime i
will see

how i can be

to make you
believe again

(promise)

audio version here: https://soundcloud.com/jamison99/believe

nov pad 2014 24: i'll be

i'll be here
just where i don't
want to be

in the coldness
of your shadow

in the nonsense
of your rebuttals

in the heat
of your glance

in the confusion
of your comforts

i'll be here
lagging behind

as you make the path
for me

in guilt
and suspicion

shame
and affliction

gritting my teeth
and walking through

even though this time
i don't know why

(on)

ghost selves

sometimes i'll write things
in the dead of night
that i won't remember
in the morning

ghost selves
sit on
ghost shelves
in my mind

begging me
to dust them off
and read what i have
done

but i'm afraid
of what the darkness
has stirred up
in me

i'm concerned 
for my sanity

if i give legitimacy
to the moon's whispers

what will the sun
say to me?

(know)

nov pad 2014 23: alone

when the hanger on
has moved on

it's nice to be alone

away from her
kisses
away from her
hugs

away from that
annoying wheeze
in her voice

no matter how much
i love her
it's good

to compartmentalize the comfort
and just walk away

from the annoyance
of her day

to the bliss
of a night
alone

(peace)

nov pad 2014 22: release me

i could plead
to you

release me

but where could
i live?

i could yell
at you

let me go

but where could
i stay?

no
here i stay

shattered and
confused

living a life
that glimmers
with purpose

but no love

so i tell you
don't release me

until my job
is thorough

stay true
to what you feel
inside

let me finish
this ride

and never try again

(stop)

nov pad 2014 21: north south east west

north
is where my love
stays cold

bold in words
and smart in tone

south
is where my body
stays near

coiled in fear
but growing inside

east
is where my mind
stays true

freed in you
and the happiness there

west
is where my hope
stays firm

resolute in life
until fortune's turn

a compass of
memories too dear
to be spoken

forever broken
by distance
and pain

forever bonded
by mind
and thought

what's inside
cannot be bought

what's outside
is far away

growing closer
each day

in the many 
directions
of my life

(soon)

nov pad 2014 20: i'll never....

i'll never
be well again

the kind of healthy
i can depend on

i'll stumble and
fall

creak, and
wheeze

and my heart
will beat fast
when all i want to do
is rest

but my mind
will take me
where my body never goes

across the stratosphere
to where my dreams are

spinning in colours
both soothing and bright

i will be a sight
in glitter and gold

calling you out
of your darkness

into the light we both
can share

if we let go of the pain

and grow

(come)

nov pad 2014 19: excuse

i'm trying to learn

to not make excuses

anymore

i admit

my weaknesses

ask for help

to be strong

and move on

but sometimes 

i fall back

on old ways

blaming 

God and country

for the sins i've made

as i stomp away

if you know i go

this way

and sometimes 

that way

with my thoughts

that i'll hop 

up and down

like a child 

in protestation

then you can 

look past

all the

exclamations

and find the real me

someone who's 

looking

for what is inside her

but scared 

of what she'll find there

(look)

searching

when you talk to me
it's like
i've walked into a room
full of fog

and i listen
for your voice
as if i were using sonar

trying to pick up
the nuances
of what you are
trying to tell me

forgive me
if i stutter
as i talk to you

i'm trying to find
my way
through the maze of
your words

trusting
and traveling

doubting
and dodging

moving slowly
through the day

hoping to find
my way
back into your heart

(move)

nov pad 2014 18: sweetness

i will eat
no more

i will be calm
in your presence

you wish for someone
to improve you

and that wasn't me

i will glide down the hall
silently

tossing back beautiful waves
of hair

confident, quiet, assured, assuring

i will take a page
from the magazines

and walk tall
in your presence

to be a better me
for you

it's how it should be

(new)

nov pad 2014 17: an explanation

you ask me
why i cry

you don't seem
to understand
the reason

i try to tell you
how i feel

and i'm wrong

i try to tell you
why i shake

and i'm the victim

you try to say
that you had to do
what you had to do

and that i shouldn't question

but each day i ask
i pray and i plead
so i may find out

all the answers
that you have

so i may be
so smart
in my own life

and ask no more
of myself

as i walk on out the door

(go)

nov pad 2014 16: afflicted

old bones
new hair

moving carefully
barely there

at one point
does one say
"i'm well"?

who can tell
when the cure happens

and the worry
is left behind

(fog)

nov pad 2014 15: holy silences

he kissed her
in
the silence of the snow

and her cheeks grew
red
with his attentions

smiling inside
blushing outside

hoping he wouldn't notice
hoping he would notice

with the sound
of falling air

almost like they weren't there

(hush)

nov pad 2014 14: weary movement

pain
like a shadow
falls over me

followed by doubt
and sadness

hope
that was so close
just a moment ago

shrinks away
in the darkness

hidden for another day

i want to be
invincible

the warrior you told me
i could be

but my sword
and my shield have
dissolved

leaving me
with nothing to
wish for

but the calm 
of weary sleep

(lost)

to-gether

one smile
accepting, and relieving

one hug
all encompassing and strong

one kiss
lingering, and reassuring

one whisper
over and over again

you're here you're here

you're here

(soon)

nov pad 2014 13: buy, buy

so many squares 

so many rectangles

dancing from left

to right

so many choices

vying for our attention

so many options

floating in neon and print

screaming "buy, buy" 

as we walk by

not noticing the competition

before our eyes

(look)

nov pad 2014 12: invisible knowing

sometimes
i can't see
when your mood
changes

sometimes
i can't tell
when you're feeling
afraid

but i can touch
the inner trembling
of your heart

when i'm close

and i can sense
the utter confusion
in your voice

when i'm far away

sometimes
i don't know
just what to say

but there's a way
i can tell my love

without speaking a word

by listening
and hearing

nodding
and understanding

staying silent
until you talk it
through

to get to you
i know i must see

what isn't there

and what lies ahead
for you and me

(true)

sketch

the java's brewing
in the corner of the
coffeehouse

and the singer's
wailing
out the speakers
overhead

singing about
the heart that
she gave away
needlessly

making me
miss you
intensely


as the music plays on

(songs)

nov pad 2014 11: time slips by

running fast
trying to catch up with you

running past
all the darkness of my worlds

to get to you

i clasp your hand
near the water where
i mesmerized my visions
while waiting for your presence
to pull me from my gloom

i speak haltingly
trying hard to be the one who
brightens your day

to forget about me for a-while

but the cold that surrounds us
gets in the way of my
message

and the connection we promise
to have is broken away

by my own frustrations and
the clouds of my day

time slips by

and all i can do is stare silently
and walk away

(quiet)

nov pad 2014 10: in trouble

you make me

grow weary

with all the sadness

you feel

you make me

get teary

with all the trouble

you face

if i could 

trace back

to when i 

first met you

i'd think harder

about following you

always 

the victim

always

the hurt one

the child in the corner

with all the bandaids

on her knees

don't you know

how tiring it is

picking you up

again?

over and 

over again

smiling and saying 

"there there"

when i want to be

anywhere

but near you

(sigh)

nov pad 2014 9: cooper

so young
too young

hardly old enough
to think
nothing more
than

"momma's here,
i'm loved"
"daddy's here,
i'm safe"

 how long
did you cry
how long
could you cry

are you happy now?

may you have
another chance
to live again

safe and loved

far from
the madding crowd
of your death

(rest)

nov pad 2014 8: blinds

i couldn't see
life
before you

i didn't know
where
to look

i stumbled
in the depths
of my own
insecurities

focusing more
on what
i could have done
rather than what
i did

or could do

did you open
my eyes to what
i never saw

or did you show me
something
that was worthy
to see?

teach me
to feel all the colours
and see all the songs
that surround me

and i will follow you
forever

(lead)

nov pad 2014 7: storms

sometimes, storms will come out of nowhere.  i get sad for no reason .... of so it seems.  when i really sit down, and think, i realize it is for some reason.... either someone will have a last name of a long forgotten friend... or i will hear part of a song that i hadn't heard in years, and it will take me back

to-day it's a toddler, crying in the distance.  why?  i don't know, but i'm going to grab a sticker, a toy, a pencil, and paper... anything to bring out a smile....

that will make me smile inside

nov pad 2014 6: happy now?

are you happy now?

i've thrown my coat
in the street

trying to defend myself
from the power
of your words

don't you know
that even though i talk
a big man's talk

i'm still young inside
struggling within

trying to figure out
what my place is
in this world

and even though
i threaten you

those words aren't me

i'm learning to be
what you make me

hardened and scared
all at once

waiting for the next fight
to happen

hoping to be free

(gone)

nov pad 2014 5: keep this

keep this love
deep inside

to warm you
when the outside
is cold

and when
you are sure
no one is looking

take it out
and let it
warm the world

floating
back and forth
from star to star

recharging
its luminescent feeling
of hopefulness

before taking
it back

and walking
in secret again

keep it within
and think of me

soon i will be there

(soon)

meaning

the meaning

the meaning

of my poems

is clear to me 

in mind

but

it's often different

from what

the reader

takes to heart

as it should be

(truth)

nov pad 2014 4: not the hero

you say

i'm a hero

for what i've gone through

i say

i need saving

from the hell inside

you say

i'm brave

for facing it all

i say 

i'm scared

most every day

you see

a warrior

who stands tall in the sun

i am

a sentinel

watching the rain come in

you may think 

i'm strong

but i'm not

(hide)

november pad 2014 3- blanket statement

your love
is like a blanket

that covers me entirely

protecting me from
the monsters that come

deep in the night

a comforter made
of many layers

deftly laid over me

warming the
shadows of my heart

as i dream my fears away

(close)

november pad 2014 2

the quieter we became
the more i heard

as we waited, i felt
what you were feeling
inside

and dwelled upon the depth
of your breathing

the slower we became
the more i saw

as we walked, i felt
the weariness in each
step

and lingered over the labour
of your being

learning how
to forget
what was me

coming back
to remember
what was us

and what begins again

(learn)

november pad 2014 1

singularly thinking
about what we do
to-gether

nightly dreaming
about the days we share
as one

sad for the
misses

glad for the
kisses

but sometimes
the miles
are a buffer

much needed

while i figure out
how
to get away

from the hell
i live in
day to day

(pause)