the first kiss

he kissed
as he did before
with skill and passion
he read once in a magazine

it translated as an eager wetness
that had me looking for an umbrella

how i wished for hands
that traveled timidly around
my body
fingers that gloried on its twisted journey
in the tumble of
my hair

how i hoped for warmth
and decisiveness
to touch the beginnings of
my heart

if i could only start
that time over again
with the poet's bravery
that i have now

it would have been different for he
and me

but the past is meant to be
lived not changed
no rearrangement
would help me learn

that the first burn is never perfect
but oh how it glow!

(ago)

for leelah alcorn

they should have let him be
what he wanted to be

is it so wrong to be a she?

i'm confused with labels
writing this

but it would have been bliss
for him
to walk the world as easily
as i do

as a lady
shining in the sun

for all the times i feel
cursed with my life

i should stop
and remember the he
that only wanted to be free

as the she he was meant to be

(live)


leelah's story here: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jobarrow/a-transgender-17-year-old-left-a-suicide-note-on-tumblr-plea

derailed

the worst thing
that can be said
is an exasperating sigh

the worst thing
that can be heard
are stomping feet near the door

and the happiness
that was true
and the anxiety
that was controlled

all becomes an illusion
to the reality
of what you must live

remember
these feelings
when you try
to lie to yourself
again

(broken)

want

just one hug
of long standing

just one kiss
that's true

just a whisper
to the ear
that speaks of
to-morrow

just one time
that's new

just the chance to
be 
with you

(again)

night's wishes

sleep
little one
as you are

relax without worry

breathe
with ease
in your slumber

calm without fear

i'll be
close by
counting each breath

watching without blinking

waiting
for the moment
you awaken again

caring without ceasing

how far
the night takes you
how strong
the sleep makes you

how long will it take
for you to return?

walk carefully
through
the shadows of your dreams

until i see you again

(grow)

so much

so much to do
on the last day
of us

so much to see
before letting go
of we

so much to say
so much to breathe
so much to tell

so much to be

so much to do
on the last day
of us

so much to remember
as we try to forget
the miles we travel

to become each other
again

(know)

holidays

when it all
comes down
to it

the holidays
are just
one big drama show

where you act
your way through
several situations

hoping
for a way out

and no one wants
to hear anything
but "i'm fine"

or "i'm getting better"

or "yes, i'll have more
cheesecake"

why must i smile
and hide the hurt

when i want to
put rocks inside
of my skirt?

why must i laugh
and hide the pain

when within me
there's continuous rain?

why must i act
and live the lie

when i wish
for the truth
to live close by?

far away
from body
but never
from heart

until it starts again

(smile)

flavours of chicago

the flavours of chicago
are fleeting and fear
arranged in gunshot
and a single tear

the sounds of chicago
are mournful and sad
accompanied by leather
and waterproof plaid

the feeling of chicago
are tattered and torn
augmented by separation
from the one i adore

(miss)

whispered watchwords

whispered anger
overheard through the door

anger and passion
felt from far away

he walks a path
i want to barrel down

but he's the cautionary tale
telling me
walk slow

think of what is ahead

reason about
how bad it is

and wonder about
what you'll lose

when you walk his path

bless the ones
whose hearts are mangled
and hope for the ones
who want to try

but can't

(think)

separation anxiety

packing up
to go

trying not to breathe
too deeply

because to breathe
gives energy
to the panic
inside

the feeling of drowning
that i feel

when i leave you

i know it'll be
all right

i know
somehow
i will see you again

but convincing
my soul
to stay calm

is hard

when i'm walking
farther and farther
away

from you

(gone)

what is it about the rain?

don't know what it is about rain that makes me so introspective. does the subtle tapping on the glass rattle the dusty corners of my brain, looking for childhood memories? does the dewy smell refresh the senses, giving fresh air to musty routines, while rebooting the soul?

or do i just need a shower every now and then?

remember

what will he remember
about you?

your voice
so melodic and lilting
as you yell for him
down the hall

to catch a spider?

your eyes
so bright and blinking
as you awaken
next to him

after snoring all night?

your face
so emotional and downcast
as you flick the switch
on the wall

and blow every fuse in the house?

or maybe
he remembers

that you need strong coffee
to liven up your mind
that you need protein with breakfast
to last through the day

that you have to have
that certain oil
to soothe your skin

when you're in a strange land?

what can he remember
about you
and what will he remember
about you
are two different things

and you're all the better for that

(love)

lessons

if i sit down
and close my eyes
i can feel you near

trying to be polite
with your whispers

trying to be kind
with your courtesy

trying to be
less of you

and more like me

i like you
just the way you are

giggly
and sort of proud

a shining star
ahead of the crowd

alive and free

come to me
as you are

and teach me
how to be

you

(new)

nov pad 2014 30: inevitable

in a dream
he took her hand

it turned into
sand
that blinded his eyes

he walked up
and down the hill
searching for a vision

hoping for a decision
that made sense
to him

his ears filled with
her cries and
screams

beseeching him
to come back to her
doom

he woke in his room
alone and safe
cheating death once again

he took a deep breath
and lingered in her spell
wishing her hell
wasn't so close to
his heart

apart
alive
to-gether
dead

he fell asleep again
feeling her dread

(gone)

nov pad 2014 29: do it again

up again

then ten minutes later
down again

i don't know
how long your patience
will hold out

i'm to the
stratosphere
with bubbly happiness
and love

and
thirty seconds later
i'm in the depths of hell
with intense hatred
and shame

hold me again

make me feel like
it will all work out

do it again

talk to my soul
with your soothing
whispers

remind me that
this time i'll
make it through

even if i don't believe you

i'll try
to see blue again

(look)

nov pad 2014 28: news

good news
sets fire to
your soul

warming you with hope
and energy

bad news
sets fire to
your heart

burning you with doubt
and apathy

hide from
the storms within

whisper to me
what you want to begin

and we'll write
headlines in the stars

from the dreams 
we make come true

(new)

nov pad 2014 27: appreciate

you grow to appreciate
the quiet

the calm before the storm

before she comes in
and sucks the life
out of the room

with her sighs and cries
for attention

over and over again

you learn to appreciate
the down times

the eye of the hurricane

after she's done in
and fills the silence
in the room

with the snores of
her restless sleep

you lean over her
a lookout in the rain

waiting for her to start
again

(soon)

warm

i don't think
i've ever been

so warm

i don't know
if i've ever been

so in love

i don't want
this feeling to end

so strong

i don't say
all i feel inside

so scared

silent
in the moment
of you

lost
but finding my way
to me

and all the possibilities
of what could be

in us

(true)

nov pad 2014 26: same

seeing you
in the places
we've been

watching you
trace our footsteps
again

makes my mind wander

i want to be
where the memories
are

i want to be
underneath the same
stars

i want to know
that you feel
the same

as you walk through
our rain

to the sun again

(watch)

nov pad 2014 25: believe

i think of you
and hope
that someday i
can help

i listen to you
and wish
that somehow i
can cure

i talk to you
and think
that sometime i
will see

how i can be

to make you
believe again

(promise)

audio version here: https://soundcloud.com/jamison99/believe

nov pad 2014 24: i'll be

i'll be here
just where i don't
want to be

in the coldness
of your shadow

in the nonsense
of your rebuttals

in the heat
of your glance

in the confusion
of your comforts

i'll be here
lagging behind

as you make the path
for me

in guilt
and suspicion

shame
and affliction

gritting my teeth
and walking through

even though this time
i don't know why

(on)

ghost selves

sometimes i'll write things
in the dead of night
that i won't remember
in the morning

ghost selves
sit on
ghost shelves
in my mind

begging me
to dust them off
and read what i have
done

but i'm afraid
of what the darkness
has stirred up
in me

i'm concerned 
for my sanity

if i give legitimacy
to the moon's whispers

what will the sun
say to me?

(know)

nov pad 2014 23: alone

when the hanger on
has moved on

it's nice to be alone

away from her
kisses
away from her
hugs

away from that
annoying wheeze
in her voice

no matter how much
i love her
it's good

to compartmentalize the comfort
and just walk away

from the annoyance
of her day

to the bliss
of a night
alone

(peace)

nov pad 2014 22: release me

i could plead
to you

release me

but where could
i live?

i could yell
at you

let me go

but where could
i stay?

no
here i stay

shattered and
confused

living a life
that glimmers
with purpose

but no love

so i tell you
don't release me

until my job
is thorough

stay true
to what you feel
inside

let me finish
this ride

and never try again

(stop)

nov pad 2014 21: north south east west

north
is where my love
stays cold

bold in words
and smart in tone

south
is where my body
stays near

coiled in fear
but growing inside

east
is where my mind
stays true

freed in you
and the happiness there

west
is where my hope
stays firm

resolute in life
until fortune's turn

a compass of
memories too dear
to be spoken

forever broken
by distance
and pain

forever bonded
by mind
and thought

what's inside
cannot be bought

what's outside
is far away

growing closer
each day

in the many 
directions
of my life

(soon)

nov pad 2014 20: i'll never....

i'll never
be well again

the kind of healthy
i can depend on

i'll stumble and
fall

creak, and
wheeze

and my heart
will beat fast
when all i want to do
is rest

but my mind
will take me
where my body never goes

across the stratosphere
to where my dreams are

spinning in colours
both soothing and bright

i will be a sight
in glitter and gold

calling you out
of your darkness

into the light we both
can share

if we let go of the pain

and grow

(come)

nov pad 2014 19: excuse

i'm trying to learn

to not make excuses

anymore

i admit

my weaknesses

ask for help

to be strong

and move on

but sometimes 

i fall back

on old ways

blaming 

God and country

for the sins i've made

as i stomp away

if you know i go

this way

and sometimes 

that way

with my thoughts

that i'll hop 

up and down

like a child 

in protestation

then you can 

look past

all the

exclamations

and find the real me

someone who's 

looking

for what is inside her

but scared 

of what she'll find there

(look)

searching

when you talk to me
it's like
i've walked into a room
full of fog

and i listen
for your voice
as if i were using sonar

trying to pick up
the nuances
of what you are
trying to tell me

forgive me
if i stutter
as i talk to you

i'm trying to find
my way
through the maze of
your words

trusting
and traveling

doubting
and dodging

moving slowly
through the day

hoping to find
my way
back into your heart

(move)

nov pad 2014 18: sweetness

i will eat
no more

i will be calm
in your presence

you wish for someone
to improve you

and that wasn't me

i will glide down the hall
silently

tossing back beautiful waves
of hair

confident, quiet, assured, assuring

i will take a page
from the magazines

and walk tall
in your presence

to be a better me
for you

it's how it should be

(new)

nov pad 2014 17: an explanation

you ask me
why i cry

you don't seem
to understand
the reason

i try to tell you
how i feel

and i'm wrong

i try to tell you
why i shake

and i'm the victim

you try to say
that you had to do
what you had to do

and that i shouldn't question

but each day i ask
i pray and i plead
so i may find out

all the answers
that you have

so i may be
so smart
in my own life

and ask no more
of myself

as i walk on out the door

(go)

nov pad 2014 16: afflicted

old bones
new hair

moving carefully
barely there

at one point
does one say
"i'm well"?

who can tell
when the cure happens

and the worry
is left behind

(fog)

nov pad 2014 15: holy silences

he kissed her
in
the silence of the snow

and her cheeks grew
red
with his attentions

smiling inside
blushing outside

hoping he wouldn't notice
hoping he would notice

with the sound
of falling air

almost like they weren't there

(hush)

nov pad 2014 14: weary movement

pain
like a shadow
falls over me

followed by doubt
and sadness

hope
that was so close
just a moment ago

shrinks away
in the darkness

hidden for another day

i want to be
invincible

the warrior you told me
i could be

but my sword
and my shield have
dissolved

leaving me
with nothing to
wish for

but the calm 
of weary sleep

(lost)

to-gether

one smile
accepting, and relieving

one hug
all encompassing and strong

one kiss
lingering, and reassuring

one whisper
over and over again

you're here you're here

you're here

(soon)

nov pad 2014 13: buy, buy

so many squares 

so many rectangles

dancing from left

to right

so many choices

vying for our attention

so many options

floating in neon and print

screaming "buy, buy" 

as we walk by

not noticing the competition

before our eyes

(look)

nov pad 2014 12: invisible knowing

sometimes
i can't see
when your mood
changes

sometimes
i can't tell
when you're feeling
afraid

but i can touch
the inner trembling
of your heart

when i'm close

and i can sense
the utter confusion
in your voice

when i'm far away

sometimes
i don't know
just what to say

but there's a way
i can tell my love

without speaking a word

by listening
and hearing

nodding
and understanding

staying silent
until you talk it
through

to get to you
i know i must see

what isn't there

and what lies ahead
for you and me

(true)

sketch

the java's brewing
in the corner of the
coffeehouse

and the singer's
wailing
out the speakers
overhead

singing about
the heart that
she gave away
needlessly

making me
miss you
intensely


as the music plays on

(songs)

nov pad 2014 11: time slips by

running fast
trying to catch up with you

running past
all the darkness of my worlds

to get to you

i clasp your hand
near the water where
i mesmerized my visions
while waiting for your presence
to pull me from my gloom

i speak haltingly
trying hard to be the one who
brightens your day

to forget about me for a-while

but the cold that surrounds us
gets in the way of my
message

and the connection we promise
to have is broken away

by my own frustrations and
the clouds of my day

time slips by

and all i can do is stare silently
and walk away

(quiet)

nov pad 2014 10: in trouble

you make me

grow weary

with all the sadness

you feel

you make me

get teary

with all the trouble

you face

if i could 

trace back

to when i 

first met you

i'd think harder

about following you

always 

the victim

always

the hurt one

the child in the corner

with all the bandaids

on her knees

don't you know

how tiring it is

picking you up

again?

over and 

over again

smiling and saying 

"there there"

when i want to be

anywhere

but near you

(sigh)

nov pad 2014 9: cooper

so young
too young

hardly old enough
to think
nothing more
than

"momma's here,
i'm loved"
"daddy's here,
i'm safe"

 how long
did you cry
how long
could you cry

are you happy now?

may you have
another chance
to live again

safe and loved

far from
the madding crowd
of your death

(rest)

nov pad 2014 8: blinds

i couldn't see
life
before you

i didn't know
where
to look

i stumbled
in the depths
of my own
insecurities

focusing more
on what
i could have done
rather than what
i did

or could do

did you open
my eyes to what
i never saw

or did you show me
something
that was worthy
to see?

teach me
to feel all the colours
and see all the songs
that surround me

and i will follow you
forever

(lead)

nov pad 2014 7: storms

sometimes, storms will come out of nowhere.  i get sad for no reason .... of so it seems.  when i really sit down, and think, i realize it is for some reason.... either someone will have a last name of a long forgotten friend... or i will hear part of a song that i hadn't heard in years, and it will take me back

to-day it's a toddler, crying in the distance.  why?  i don't know, but i'm going to grab a sticker, a toy, a pencil, and paper... anything to bring out a smile....

that will make me smile inside

nov pad 2014 6: happy now?

are you happy now?

i've thrown my coat
in the street

trying to defend myself
from the power
of your words

don't you know
that even though i talk
a big man's talk

i'm still young inside
struggling within

trying to figure out
what my place is
in this world

and even though
i threaten you

those words aren't me

i'm learning to be
what you make me

hardened and scared
all at once

waiting for the next fight
to happen

hoping to be free

(gone)

nov pad 2014 5: keep this

keep this love
deep inside

to warm you
when the outside
is cold

and when
you are sure
no one is looking

take it out
and let it
warm the world

floating
back and forth
from star to star

recharging
its luminescent feeling
of hopefulness

before taking
it back

and walking
in secret again

keep it within
and think of me

soon i will be there

(soon)

meaning

the meaning

the meaning

of my poems

is clear to me 

in mind

but

it's often different

from what

the reader

takes to heart

as it should be

(truth)

nov pad 2014 4: not the hero

you say

i'm a hero

for what i've gone through

i say

i need saving

from the hell inside

you say

i'm brave

for facing it all

i say 

i'm scared

most every day

you see

a warrior

who stands tall in the sun

i am

a sentinel

watching the rain come in

you may think 

i'm strong

but i'm not

(hide)

november pad 2014 3- blanket statement

your love
is like a blanket

that covers me entirely

protecting me from
the monsters that come

deep in the night

a comforter made
of many layers

deftly laid over me

warming the
shadows of my heart

as i dream my fears away

(close)

november pad 2014 2

the quieter we became
the more i heard

as we waited, i felt
what you were feeling
inside

and dwelled upon the depth
of your breathing

the slower we became
the more i saw

as we walked, i felt
the weariness in each
step

and lingered over the labour
of your being

learning how
to forget
what was me

coming back
to remember
what was us

and what begins again

(learn)

november pad 2014 1

singularly thinking
about what we do
to-gether

nightly dreaming
about the days we share
as one

sad for the
misses

glad for the
kisses

but sometimes
the miles
are a buffer

much needed

while i figure out
how
to get away

from the hell
i live in
day to day

(pause)

snapshot

water
so much water
tempestuous
but true

pulling in
so fast
and
pushing out
so hard

almost like breathing

i sat
too weak to enjoy
the tide

watching him
dance
and glide

maneuvering
the power of the sea

conquering it
for me

and i followed
with my eyes
his taming
of the waves

urging
without speaking

drawing in
the ocean air

with all that was left of me

(learn)