the first kiss

he kissed
as he did before
with skill and passion
he read once in a magazine

it translated as an eager wetness
that had me looking for an umbrella

how i wished for hands
that traveled timidly around
my body
fingers that gloried on its twisted journey
in the tumble of
my hair

how i hoped for warmth
and decisiveness
to touch the beginnings of
my heart

if i could only start
that time over again
with the poet's bravery
that i have now

it would have been different for he
and me

but the past is meant to be
lived not changed
no rearrangement
would help me learn

that the first burn is never perfect
but oh how it glow!

(ago)

for leelah alcorn

they should have let him be
what he wanted to be

is it so wrong to be a she?

i'm confused with labels
writing this

but it would have been bliss
for him
to walk the world as easily
as i do

as a lady
shining in the sun

for all the times i feel
cursed with my life

i should stop
and remember the he
that only wanted to be free

as the she he was meant to be

(live)


leelah's story here: http://www.buzzfeed.com/jobarrow/a-transgender-17-year-old-left-a-suicide-note-on-tumblr-plea

derailed

the worst thing
that can be said
is an exasperating sigh

the worst thing
that can be heard
are stomping feet near the door

and the happiness
that was true
and the anxiety
that was controlled

all becomes an illusion
to the reality
of what you must live

remember
these feelings
when you try
to lie to yourself
again

(broken)

want

just one hug
of long standing

just one kiss
that's true

just a whisper
to the ear
that speaks of
to-morrow

just one time
that's new

just the chance to
be 
with you

(again)

night's wishes

sleep
little one
as you are

relax without worry

breathe
with ease
in your slumber

calm without fear

i'll be
close by
counting each breath

watching without blinking

waiting
for the moment
you awaken again

caring without ceasing

how far
the night takes you
how strong
the sleep makes you

how long will it take
for you to return?

walk carefully
through
the shadows of your dreams

until i see you again

(grow)

so much

so much to do
on the last day
of us

so much to see
before letting go
of we

so much to say
so much to breathe
so much to tell

so much to be

so much to do
on the last day
of us

so much to remember
as we try to forget
the miles we travel

to become each other
again

(know)

holidays

when it all
comes down
to it

the holidays
are just
one big drama show

where you act
your way through
several situations

hoping
for a way out

and no one wants
to hear anything
but "i'm fine"

or "i'm getting better"

or "yes, i'll have more
cheesecake"

why must i smile
and hide the hurt

when i want to
put rocks inside
of my skirt?

why must i laugh
and hide the pain

when within me
there's continuous rain?

why must i act
and live the lie

when i wish
for the truth
to live close by?

far away
from body
but never
from heart

until it starts again

(smile)

flavours of chicago

the flavours of chicago
are fleeting and fear
arranged in gunshot
and a single tear

the sounds of chicago
are mournful and sad
accompanied by leather
and waterproof plaid

the feeling of chicago
are tattered and torn
augmented by separation
from the one i adore

(miss)

whispered watchwords

whispered anger
overheard through the door

anger and passion
felt from far away

he walks a path
i want to barrel down

but he's the cautionary tale
telling me
walk slow

think of what is ahead

reason about
how bad it is

and wonder about
what you'll lose

when you walk his path

bless the ones
whose hearts are mangled
and hope for the ones
who want to try

but can't

(think)

separation anxiety

packing up
to go

trying not to breathe
too deeply

because to breathe
gives energy
to the panic
inside

the feeling of drowning
that i feel

when i leave you

i know it'll be
all right

i know
somehow
i will see you again

but convincing
my soul
to stay calm

is hard

when i'm walking
farther and farther
away

from you

(gone)

what is it about the rain?

don't know what it is about rain that makes me so introspective. does the subtle tapping on the glass rattle the dusty corners of my brain, looking for childhood memories? does the dewy smell refresh the senses, giving fresh air to musty routines, while rebooting the soul?

or do i just need a shower every now and then?

remember

what will he remember
about you?

your voice
so melodic and lilting
as you yell for him
down the hall

to catch a spider?

your eyes
so bright and blinking
as you awaken
next to him

after snoring all night?

your face
so emotional and downcast
as you flick the switch
on the wall

and blow every fuse in the house?

or maybe
he remembers

that you need strong coffee
to liven up your mind
that you need protein with breakfast
to last through the day

that you have to have
that certain oil
to soothe your skin

when you're in a strange land?

what can he remember
about you
and what will he remember
about you
are two different things

and you're all the better for that

(love)

lessons

if i sit down
and close my eyes
i can feel you near

trying to be polite
with your whispers

trying to be kind
with your courtesy

trying to be
less of you

and more like me

i like you
just the way you are

giggly
and sort of proud

a shining star
ahead of the crowd

alive and free

come to me
as you are

and teach me
how to be

you

(new)

nov pad 2014 30: inevitable

in a dream
he took her hand

it turned into
sand
that blinded his eyes

he walked up
and down the hill
searching for a vision

hoping for a decision
that made sense
to him

his ears filled with
her cries and
screams

beseeching him
to come back to her
doom

he woke in his room
alone and safe
cheating death once again

he took a deep breath
and lingered in her spell
wishing her hell
wasn't so close to
his heart

apart
alive
to-gether
dead

he fell asleep again
feeling her dread

(gone)

nov pad 2014 29: do it again

up again

then ten minutes later
down again

i don't know
how long your patience
will hold out

i'm to the
stratosphere
with bubbly happiness
and love

and
thirty seconds later
i'm in the depths of hell
with intense hatred
and shame

hold me again

make me feel like
it will all work out

do it again

talk to my soul
with your soothing
whispers

remind me that
this time i'll
make it through

even if i don't believe you

i'll try
to see blue again

(look)

nov pad 2014 28: news

good news
sets fire to
your soul

warming you with hope
and energy

bad news
sets fire to
your heart

burning you with doubt
and apathy

hide from
the storms within

whisper to me
what you want to begin

and we'll write
headlines in the stars

from the dreams 
we make come true

(new)

nov pad 2014 27: appreciate

you grow to appreciate
the quiet

the calm before the storm

before she comes in
and sucks the life
out of the room

with her sighs and cries
for attention

over and over again

you learn to appreciate
the down times

the eye of the hurricane

after she's done in
and fills the silence
in the room

with the snores of
her restless sleep

you lean over her
a lookout in the rain

waiting for her to start
again

(soon)